Oh that's just fucking marvelous !!! Apparently the Paypal gadget doesn't work...so I removed it. Sux to be me...just bring cash... whatever.
I believe you can just go through the main Paypal site and send the $$$ to fingers@directfx.com.au
I don't ask for much in life...and to date I've got what I asked for...
As an almost fifty-year-old, single white male, fully-employed, with no obvious handicaps and living in C*nt Point with my two cats...I rarely qualify for any kind of government assistance. I dutifully pay my taxes, direct and indirect...and yet I didn't get a share of the 'Cash Splash' back at XMAS '09...even though I was perhaps the best person they could have given it to. I mean, who better to waste free $$$ on something frivolous than a man who doesn't need it in the first place ??
Now, as you know I will be turning fifty later this year...and as a reward for a lifetime of giving generously to others...whether it be through my collection of World Vision Witches in Haiti...or simply buying lavish gifts for my friends on their birthdays and weddings...I treated myself to a modest little beach house up at Hawks Nest.
And this is it !!!
A sad little Spanish-style bungalow, built in the 80s from the sort of bricks you normally find in Paddington retirement villages.No beach views either; the rolling surf is more than 800 metres away...
Even sadder...this is the lounge room !!!
The delapidated furnishings belong to the previous owner...a poor man somewhat like myself...but much older. One morning his children arrived and took him off to The Geezer Farm before putting his house on the market...the poor bastard never even had the chance to gather up his belongings...
But enough about him; he's history...and back to a tragedy much closer to home...
JUST HAVE A LOOK AT THAT SHITTY FLOOR !!!
Seriously, have a look at it. In fact it looks better in the photo than it does in real life. That photo does not even begin to capture the full shitiness of those shitty tiles; they should be torn up and donated to The Australian Museum of Shit !!!
Which is precisley what I shall do...with your help.
Here's another view of them...just in case their complete shittiness still hasn't sunk in.Of course that shitiness is all relative, compared to the shitiness of the shitty kitchen...but try and imagine how really, really shitty the tiles would look under/next to a gleaming new, all white kitchen with Caesarstone benchtops and stainless steel appliances...
Now imagine the shitty, shitty tiles gone...and in their place under the gleaming kitchen...THESE.
Australian hardwood timber floorboards, painstakingly hand-recycled by Christmas Island detainees...
I know what you're thinking; MUCH BETTER !!!
Well, with your generosity you can make this dream a reality for Dear Old Fingers.
This year, instead of getting me something you'd like (eg...bath towels, DVDs, champagne, wall art or anything made by Alessi)...get me something I'd like. Instead of getting me something amusing (eg...a walking cane, a gym membership, adult nappies or Viagra)...get me something useful. Instead of turning up with a bottle of nice red you remembered to buy on the way to the party...give the gift that hardwood floors are made from (apart from hardwood itself)...$$$.
For as little as $200 per square metre you can make an old man's life just that bit better.
And I need just fifty square metres to complete the dream.
So why not buy me a square metre of dream ?? Or two...or three ?? Especially you married couples out there sipping on your freshly brewed home-made espresso coffee...or you guys opening wine bottles with your lever-action corkscrews...or you girls listening to your IPod-nano...all courtesy of Mr Thoughtful over the years.
Form syndicates if you have to...
And remember, this is almost certainly the first, last and only decent gift you'll ever have to get me; not much chance you'll be up for a wedding present, baby shower or even a 60th if my cholesterol levels are to be believed...
Please register with this site (it's free) and use the comment section to make your pledge to the HNBHRF......
And please feed my fish below before you go...xxx
what an honour it is to be invited to partake in the hardwood programme. i would like to gift you two-and-a-half sqm for two reasons. first,if i ever need a place to stay, i know that i will always have my piece of your floorspace, big enough for an armchair to rest in, regardless of any possible fallout in the future between us. second, as we become more "mature" in life, we need to be sensible about home management and this hardwood floor would certainly be more conducive for moving around via zimmerframe or wheelchair than the current tile floor. as an incentive for larger purchases, say for 5 sqm, would tht entitle the purchaser a self portrait engraved into the hardwood ala saddam style?...just a thought as I too am reaching more "maturity" and find myself thinking often about ways of leaving my mark on the world....we look forward to your b'day fingers....cass n phil
ReplyDeleteDear Cass and Phil...may I say a couple of things. Firstly I am blown away by your magnificent gesture; this generosity has set the bar at a level which will give everyone something to think about. Secondly, as the first donor I shall place your 2.5 sq metres of wood at the very front of the house and inscribe your names on one of the boards for posterity. Thanks so much to both of you for giving me such good wood...
ReplyDeleteYes , I do believe that when you turn fifty u would love to accept as much "Wood" as possible...even if its 70 odd sqm's worth...that should keep you going for awhile !!!!1 Sqm comin your way !!
ReplyDeleteWell after putting me up for 6 weeks, and only requiring occasional bumsex as payment (and I'm not even anonymous -- oh dear!), it would be very weak of me indeed to donate less than 5 sqm, even if you do have my pool table and half my furniture up there! I'm going to need my TV back though, so best keep good relations... Looking forward to the 27th mate.
ReplyDeleteThanks BamBam...a ridiculously generous (but perfectly understandable) donation. You know, for another 2sqm you could have had exclusive naming rights to the entire hallway.
ReplyDeleteWhat would you have called it ??
1 Done !!!
ReplyDeleteI'm not into naming rights. I prefer to be an under-the-radar kind of donor. Otherwise there'd be Bam Wings of various buildings all over the place... tacky.
ReplyDeleteBut your hallway can be called Cunt Alley if you like?
Drago, you say '1 Done' but I don't see any detes yet. An IOU might be considered a lovely present in Croatia but over here it doesn't cut much mustard at all.
ReplyDeletePitchka...
Nice touch, Bammers. That will look lovely when I have these pages framed up down the hallway in years to come...
ReplyDeleteDear Grumps,
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to you! Donation of 25 floor boards has been paid to your special account! Only you would think of such an “original” birthday present. You are one of a kind! Can’t wait to celebrate :).
Xoxo The Cabbages
Dear Cabbages, I don't know how to even begin thanking you for your gift. Mostly coz I have no fucking idea what the gift was. You plonkers !!!
ReplyDeleteWelcome to our country though...
Stein,
ReplyDeleteSorry but my concentration span fell short of your long-winded message. Something about coming up with a present to go with a shitty floor. I sort of remember you kept taking about shit. Or were you just talking shit?? Here's something that'll match a shitty floor - how about Jack Shit!
I'd leave a cryptic clue so you can guess who I am but ....what was I saying about attention span??
Anyway, I'll be the one at the party drinking Dave Morgan's body weight in alcohol having not given you a present. Thanks for your generosity!
Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!
Oi, Anonymous...are you one of the boneheads who used the fake 'poll' widget to make your donation ??
ReplyDeleteWhen nothing happened and you weren't asked for any credit card details, didn't that raise any condcerns at your end ??
Dear Anonymous #2...
ReplyDeleteWell, just my school friends call me 'Stein'.
Now, only someone who weighs less than Morgan can really make fat jokes about him, so that rules Gus out.
Brad's too casual to spend the amount of time it would have taken writng that message; so he's out.
Morgan's too dumb to spell his own name: so it's not him.
George is a wog and as such hasn't got a sense of humour well-developed enough for a gag as sophisticated as this; strike him.
Grundy is too well off to pull a tight-fisted stunt like you're attempting.
Bill is a fellow Cunt Pointer and we just don't do stuff this low-brow.
So, I'm guessing it's you Pine...
yawn
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ReplyDelete